Trust

So hello fellow readers, who probably don't read this. But whatev's a good way to get my thoughts out and be transparent.

I have been struggling hard core lately. Here are a few reasons:

This whole long distance thing, not my favorite. It actually SUCKS. I hate not being close to my best friend. I hate scheduling things long distance for the biggest day of our lives. I just hate it. I hate not having my confidant or my encourager who can hug me when I'm having a bad day, be only 10 minutes away tops.

Wedding Planning is a big ole pain in my rear. Everyone has an opinion and everyone wants something that they think is best. Wellll when you get married, do it your way. I've had some solid people, but it's been frustrating.. I will say that the people who see my vision and want what I want have been phenomenal.

Thirdly, Work has been terrible. I try so hard to be a light, but in a place filled with darkness and constant lookouts for failures, it's hard.

Also, classes are terrible. I've done the worst I've ever done in a college semester. This was supposed to be my awesome semester. Taking 3 languages and one business class. Well turns out, I bit off more than I can chew.... I love it but I hate it.

And lastly, my relationship with Papa hasn't been great. He's kinda been on the back burner. My desire to be near to Him is still present as ever, but busyness and exhaustion, and classes, and everything seem to come first. He's also kinda frustrating me. I have faith that I will get a job once I make the big move to Virginia, but I keep getting rejected from jobs or no one will respond. I've probably applied to 50+ jobs. It's scary. My faith is weakening. And poor Zane has not found a church or some solid quality friends. That's what makes me even more frustrated. Where is God? Why not? Why is Zane literally all alone up in VA?

I know that the things I'm struggling with come out of my distance from the Lord. I know my lack of faith is that I'm not really fully trusting in His perfect timing. I want to be better. I need to be better.

In my small group, there are about 10 older married women. It is the best part of my week. I am just soaking up all the wisdom. Writing as much stuff as I can down. I don't talk much which is unusual for me. I almost always have something to say. But I love how real (and wise) these women are. I hope to be like them one day. Anyways they are always talking about how we need to be complete in the Lord then out of that I can be the woman that God has called me to be. I'm trying.. Baby steps.. I feel like a brand new christian again. Which may not be a bad thing. That freshness. Baby prayers. I almost like being a child in the faith..

And didn't Jesus say, "Truly I tell you, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it" (Luke 18:17)

So I am okay with going back to childlike faith. It sucks and it's hard because I'm a full out grown up in a month or so. But it's been refreshing. And the Lord is so evident. For example, Monday night is CORE for ONE. I've connected with a woman who is also getting married. She is probably my only friend in Auburn who is engaged. So we talk and cry things out together. Its been wonderful. Well I just laid it all out there for her on Monday. Told her my fears, and frustrations. Towards God and towards people. She laid hands on me and it was a beautiful encounter with the Lord. Then I asked her what I could pray for her. I won't tell you because that's her story, but I got to lay hands on her and pray for her as well. And when I say freedom boy do I say FREEDOM.

Then I talked to Zane and got to encourage him. He is constantly encouraging me. Telling me to "Finish well" and that he's proud of me. I can't believe I am getting to marry the man of my dreams. Who desires Jesus with all he's got. I know that God has a plan for us. A place for us. A family for us. It's scary right now, but I BELIEVE. I have faith in what God has promised. 

There has been a few verses that I have clung to the past couple of months that have brought me back to my reality in God not in my circumstances, like not having a job or insurance. I'll share them with you.

The one who calls you is faithful, and he will do it. (1 Thessalonians 5:24)

Yet he did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God, being fully persuaded that God had power to do what he had promised. (Romans 4:20-21)

I'm holding onto these truths. He will do it, since he has called me to it. He has the power. I may not know why or how, but I trust in his truth.

That's all for tonight.
-Vivi